Superstar Negroes Under Arrest

 

Superstar # 9 – Gilbert Jay Arenas Jr.

1/6/10

I swear every time one of you Negroes with money do something stupid, Ima point y’all out. Gilbert aka Agent Zero, yeah you just another to add on the list. You all heard the story I am sure. This Brotha stores guns in his locker. He then pulls all three out, places them on a chair and tells the cat he’s in an argument with to pick one so they can resolve their beef – that being that Gilbert didn’t pay a debt owed when he lost a game of cards. Negro, this isn’t the “Wild Wild West.” This isn’t the “OK Corral.” This is why we, as Black Folk, are looked down on, thought of as savages and any other popular stereotype there is out there to “identify” our character – because of the behaviors that you, Gilbert, have displayed. And here is why I am mad…I am not mad that you had the guns. You’re an NBA ball player/million dollar athlete in Chocolate City; you might need a gun. I am not even mad that you wanted to joke around with the boi, you might have been joking. But here is what you cannot do;

1) Joke like that with a Black man – you can’t put a gun in front of a Black person and expect them to laugh when you say pick one and let’s settle this. That, my Brotha, is no laughing matter at that point. I know you remember the movie Belly Gilbert…you remember the part where dude had a stupid look on his face when he didn’t get what he thought was a fair cut of the dope money back at the stash house. I believe that it was DMX who got an attitude, jokingly might I add, and threatened dude by taking a gun and forcing him to take off all his clothes and sitting on the couch. Now, all the other dudes in the place got a major laugh, but dude in just his draws was pissed and I remember him saying, “You gonna get yours G.” It was no joke to him, although DMX was joking while angry…and you were the same. Plus, everybody knows that you aren’t exactly the same player you were before your injury, you’re probably gonna get traded or released and that Shaq slept with your wife multiple times…no one can vouch for your state of mind these days, so you can’t play like that. I am sure the whole team thinks you crazy.

And…2) you cannot get up in front of those White folks and say that it was a joke and you gonna laugh about it. Are you serious??? You know that unfortunately, because many NBA players are from single parent homes within impoverished neighborhoods, they are stereotyped to be thugs, gangsters and hoodlums. Why do you think David Stern instituted a dress code? It wasn’t because he wanted to see guys like Ron Artest and Allen Iverson in their Sunday’s best. It was so that White NBA fans could feel better about watching the NBA and letting their kids watch and idolize NBA players. That “hood attire” is good enough for “hood kids” but not for suburban NBA fans. The fact is that young Black men from urban areas are a scary image. The image of the scary and angry Black man is bad for NBA business. And I don’t care who disagrees with that because it is the truth. That is the problem with professional sports leagues where African Americans over-populate the sport…Image is important because image is quantified into dollars. All those baseball players taking steroids are cheaters, period. Yet the public, particularly baseball fans, have become numb? Yet as soon as someone in the NBA or NFL does something wrong, David Stern and Roger Goodell are ready to throw hell, fire and brimstone on all who have sinned against thee. That is why Chad Johnson can’t celebrate, it’s why as soon as Rasheed Wallace gets angry he gets a technical; sports is more about policing Black athletes not because they care about their well being nor because they are racist. It is because owners and commissioners are “protecting their investment,” that investment being the image of their sport – which makes them millions. Michael Jordan has made David Stern more money…it’s like Massa’s cotton is the best in all the south so now he can export to Europe, China, Africa and all over the world. Jordan made basketball exportable throughout the world; Europe, China and Africa. I really don’t care about “image” so that owners and commissioners can make money. I care about the perpetuation of a stereotyped image of Black players when cats like you Gilbert do something stupid like this. You sound ignorant when you say to the press that this was a joke and I’ll laugh it off. You sound stupid and I know that you know better. And now, David Stern will heed the calls to calm the “angry Black man” and suspend you and fine you so you can think about what you did.

It is every man’s God given right to have a gun, with a license to carry, so that he can protect himself and his family. I am with that. But, you gotta be smart. And I say this all the time; when you are young, Black, rich and under the microscope, everyone is watching you and the minute you mess up, it is all over the news and you are scrutinized, ostracized, marginalized and any other word with the –ized suffix that fits my point. With the exception of some players on the team, no one would have known that I was keeping guns in my locker…And, I would have just had one gun, not multiple. And regardless of whether or not you were joking, serious, or having fun, this looks bad. It looks really bad. And to the impressionable young minds that look up to you and idolize you, I hope that there is a parent, particularly a male figure, to tell them that carrying guns in a locker room irresponsibly is not cool whatsoever. And so now Gilbert, you’re talking to the police…expect a fine and suspension from the league. I hope you don’t get jail time, but if you can get three years for shooting yourself like Plax, then it doesn’t look too good for you my dude. But for your dumb actions, let me shut the cell doors first.

Superstar # 8 – Toni Michelle Braxton

11/9/09

[Let me preface this entire commentary with a parental advisory warning because I cannot help myself on this on here…I just cannot properly convey my thoughts about this things without a curse word here and there. I’ll repent of it after I am done, I promise…I’ll try not to be to nasty.]

You don’t do that shit…

Toni Braxton, you just don’t do that. I don’t know what your husband did but damn. Maybe he did cheat on you, maybe he cheated on you while you were getting your hustle on; dealing with your autistic child and your heart trouble…but damn. Really?!? See ladies, that picture up there will get you looking like this picture right here…

Really, you don’t do your man like that. I don’t care what the brotha did. I am sorry, this woman let her husband take her to the Soul Train Music awards…now let me say here that the Soul Train Music Awards is the Oscars for Black Music Award Shows…You got a lot of imitators…BET and all those, but the Soul Train Awards meant status in Black Music. Don Cornelius, think what you want about the brotha, is the Dick Clark or Casey Casum of Black Music. There was a time when you were a nobody in Black music unless you were on Soul Train. When you were on Soul Train, you arrived. If Soul Train was still on the air, Alicia Keys would be on all the damn time. Whitney Houston would have released her song on there and Beyonce would practically be a co-host. So you understand the level here…Everyone who is anyone came to this award show and all Black folks will be watch.

This…chick premeditatedly figures to embarrass this man. Trust, this event was premeditated. Oh yeah. When dealing with a woman scorn, nothing is spontaneous. Everything is strategically planned and carefully calculated. She was mad when she got to the awards show. She thought to herself for however long a period she was pissed at her husband for whatever he did about how she was gonna get him back…He must have done something to really hurt Toni. He had to. There is no other explanation. I would have arrested him but he is no Superstar Negro. Despite all of that, this dude was embarrassed beyond belief and I would wish what happened to him on no man. And as a man, I have to arrest Toni…Gotta do it.

If Barack Obama was having problems with his wife…And they decided to call it quits, that is one thing. It is another thing to call it quits, attend the NAACP Image Awards together and then jump on stage and tongue kiss Raven Symone…That would be wrong. So you see Toni is wrong. I don’t care if Michelle cheated on Barack and the two girls weren’t his and he was tricked in believing that they were his kids…for him to embarrass that woman in front of millions of people is another level of revenge that cannot be paralleled. Michelle would never be able to top that…even if she got on a reality show and let a dude lick on her leg, Barack’s moment will always be the impetus for what happens after. And so Toni Braxton’s husband can’t get her back for that. He cannot go home after that. Come ‘on; what do you thing the dudes beside him were thinking – “punk ass n****” – that’s what they were thinking! I would have looked at the kiss, looked at dude and shook my head…followed by me looking at my wife saying, “Damn…Do you ever do no s*** like that, no matter what I do to piss you off…Damn.”

So, Toni…why baby girl? Why? You are so beautiful, with that husky voice of yours. I use to date a girl in high school that looked just like you…for two weeks. Babyface wrote your songs, you had good songs, Secrets was a great album…but damn girl. Why you do that? You have absolutely killed this man’s manhood. There is nothing that he can do…there are no words to be said…there is not enough sex in the world that can take back what you stole…Grand larceny…Grand larceny girl, for stealing this man’s…swag (Best word I can think of at the moment, but you can probably fill in a better word). My heart is hurt Toni…but you get 50 years without the opportunity for parole until you serve 40 years of it. Let’s see if Trey can’t help but wait for you to get outta jail.

SUPERSTAR # 7 – Monique Imes

10/28/09

Dammit I’m tired.

Dammit Mo’Nique I am tired. I love you, su’ga, but damn. You are annoying as all hell on your late night show. My goodness, I remember when you had the show on the radio…and I listened. It was good. I knew it wouldn’t last long because you really didn’t have the radio appeal to compete with that of Michael Baisden. But what made it easy for the radio to cut you was that “Aww baby’s” and “Aww su’ga’s” and all that…it was annoying. You went from Nikki Parker to my grandmom with a few simple phrases. 

And now that you have a late night show on BET, you just went crazy. As soon as you come out on the set, why do you scream? I mean you got your upper body clinched tight, fists tight and mouth wide open…look at this picture, I mean damn. Mo…Mo? After the first five minutes of screaming and yelling while hearing the band play do it til your satisfied, I’m like, “that was a great show and now time for bed.” Then when the music stops, you keep screaming and the crowd cheers you on…as if they are urging you to keep screaming no matter what…if the producers tell you to start talking, the crowd says, “scream on Mo.” Then after all the screaming, here comes the “Aww baby’s” and “su’ga’s” for about ten minutes followed by hugging yourself and Sambo making a fool outta his self…Oh I mean Rodney Perry, pulling down his pants, getting slapped across his head for touching your itty-bit-ties.

Then, there are the guest. Your guest are awesome, but your interaction…you sound like grandmom from down home with the girls and with the dudes you flirt like grandmom from down home. There was one night when you interviewed Hill Harper and I thought that orgy was going down on stage…Sid was in the back getting ready. I mean my goodness. Y’all 2 were flirting hard… So hard I though you flirting with me. It is all really comical and more than anything else, I love the show because I just laugh all night.

My Black people, we’re in pain. Even since the Arsenio Hall show went off the air, we’ve been beside ourselves. We have been looking for a late night show to fulfill us ever since. Magic Johnson had a show for a while and Michael Baisden tried a late night show on TVOne on Fridays, but neither work into something major. Mo’Nique is hoping for a different outcome, but I am not too sure that her outcome is gonna be any different. I mean, I like Mo’Nique, but she just seems too diva-ish and extraordinarily extra on this show of hers. There are reports that she has been acting like a diva ever since her Oscar talk for her role in the movie Precious. I am not sure if that is the case, all I know is that the show is a mix of the hottest guest in black entertainment and late night buffoonery. I know that I sound like a hater, but my goodness, someone must put this show on blast. Just the theme song and Mo’Nique screaming is enough to make me laugh, shake my head and turn on Jim Gardner and enjoy peace during my eleven o’clock hour. They should have given the late night show to Wendy Williams. Oops…did I say that? Yup…sure did.

Mo’Nique, baby, su’ga, listen up here momma…stick your arms out really wide and give yourself a big hug…you’re gonna need it to comfort yourself while you sit in that cell along with all the other executives from BET.

SUPERSTAR # 6 – Dwanye Michael Carter Jr.

10/23/09

That is a wonderful name…I like that name, but the person who carries the name, not sure if I like the guy he has become too much. If you don’t know by now, this man is none other than Lil Wayne. Lil Wayne, Lil Wayne…you were the first of the man “Lils.” Where did you go wrong? What happened?

Now this brotha has been on the most wanted list for a little while but he’s caught. He is caught. We have him in the holding cell awaiting transport. Have we all not learned from Plaxico Burress??? Have we not learned from Plax? Well, apparently Wayne hasn’t. He pleaded guilty to gun possession on a bus in New York City. And another one bites the dust.

I know that there is much that I could blast on here about Wayne and all of that, but I believe in rehabilitation. Jesus can save the worst of sinners and Wayne is no different, so I wanna talk to Wayne. Wayne…listen to me brotha. Just listen. While you are sitting in that cell by yourself and you reflect on where you went wrong and what you plan on doing after you get outta jail, think on the decisions that you’ve made in your life. We’ve all made mistake brotha. We’ve all let people down in our lives and we’ve all had to deal with things due to our lack of wise decision making. And some of the worse decisions that we make are the ones that hurt ourselves.

Look at your life: you have what others want…money, fame, sex thrown at you, season tickets to whatever team you desire, a nice crib, nice cars but I don’t envy you Wayne. Why? Because look where it all has gotten you. With all of that, you’ll be starting 2010 in prison, with three women having to deal with the fact that their children will be without their father, in addition to your daughter knowing that her father is away in prison. No money, awards or fame can save you from that. People, you gotta understand that although we ask for money, the fame and all else, God knows what we need. I hate admitting that because there are things that I want in my life with fierce passion yet God doesn’t see fit to bless me with it. Maybe I am the better for it. The popular notion is that with money our lives will get better…Wayne is proof that it is not true. Money can change habits but not characteristics of one’s personality, which is why many of us aren’t rich and famous…some of us would be in jail, in the tabloids or dead. If you take a poor whore…she’s a whore who is poor; too many people don’t care about her…she’s just Angie from the block tricking for rocks. But if you take Angie and let’s say that she’s hit the lottery and was a rich whore…she is a whore in the news. People would only care because she’s rich and tricking and it’s fascinating because she’s rich and tricking because she just hit the lottery…but Angie never changed. The money never stopped her from being a whore. And so Wayne, I don’t envy you because the money has magnified your demons. And I am not condemning you, because God only knows what money would do to me. No one can judge.

But you Wayne, you have to look inside. The music you are making does nothing but further perpetuate the glorification of the pseudo-masculinity of the Black Man via violence, sexual promiscuity and participation in the underground economy. You’re pushing for your daughter to be a part of a music industry that treats Black women as worth nothing more than being the exotic sexual pleasures for all men. You’ve managed to get three women pregnant around the same time and you’ve committed to none of them. And now you’ve landed in prison for a year due to carrying a gun in New York City. Look at your life. It will be up to you to change it. Luckily for you, you’ll have a year to figure it out.

SUPERSTAR # 5 – LeBron Raymone James

10/8/09

First you walked off the court after losing to the Orlando Magic in the Eastern Conference Finals last year without shaking anyone’s hand. I gave you the benefit of the doubt on that one because you were the only Cleveland Cavalier that actually showed up to play in those five games. David Stern fined you and the rest of the sports world, and society ridiculed you for doing that and it got worse when you gave such a defiant answer. But I told cats to get off of your back. I don’t regret it, because I felt your pain. But then, you got dunked on by a young cat at your basketball camp and out of fear of the ridicule, you confiscated the tapes. Never mind that the tape got on you tube anyway, but you took away the tapes so no one would see the dunk…that it could die as simply a myth known to be true to a select few. I saw the dunk and it wasn’t that bad. But the fact that you took the tapes was foul. But now you got your third strike. Why? Here’s why brotha.

You got a call from your man at 7am on Monday to let you know that he was punched by Braylon Edwards. You get the story from him and then you get asked about the whole situation after Cavs practice and here is what you say, according to Sports Illustrated:

“I’ve never crossed paths with Braylon before, but it seems like there’s a little jealousy going on with Braylon and me and my friends. I have no idea why…I’ve never said anything to Braylon at all. But for him to do that is very childish. My friend is 130 pounds. Seriously. It’s like hitting one of my kids. It doesn’t make sense.”

Apparently, your man told you that the situation was escalated due to some hate on the part of Braylon. And you rebuke Braylon to the national media, and I say national because since you are the anointed star of the NBA by the media and David Stern, if you piss on the floor of your house, it’s news. Then, all of a sudden, Edwards gets traded to the Jets yesterday? What’s that about? According to a police incident report, Givens accused an unidentified man of punching him in the face following an argument at approximately 2:30 a.m. Givens, who is listed as 5-foot-7, 135 pounds on the report, said the 6-foot-3, 215-pound Edwards hit him with a closed fist. He told police he suffered a black eye and cut and was treated at a hospital. Now, I have no quarrels with the police report, but there are a few problems that I have with your story LeBron…just a few things to point out.

1. What man calls another man at 7am to tell him that he was punched? Women call each other early in the morning over some bull like that. If your man was really a “G,” he would have called you when it happened to see what could be done to rectify the situation.
2. Doesn’t tell you that there could have been something said by your man to escalate or entice Braylon to punch him? I am not saying that he did, and I am not saying that people haven’t hit others in the past without good reason. But I am willing to give Braylon the benefit of the doubt based on your record. I am sure that your dude flaunted your name and his association with you in Braylon’s face. And honestly, if I am the star Wide Receiver for the Cleveland Browns, regardless of our win-loss record, I could really care less about you or any other athlete because, I am getting paid.
3. Who the hell cares if Braylon Edwards is jealous of you…You are freakin LeBron James. Who the hell cares? Come on LeBron, you got haters everywhere. You had them in High School and you have them now. You mean to tell me that you choose to chastise Braylon because there “it seems like there’s a little jealousy going on with Braylon and [you] and [your] friends?” So what if it is. Tell your crew to calm the hell down and chill out. And who tells the public that another athlete is Jealous of them…that is some female ish right there Bron…sorry, but a bit suspect to me.

I am not mad that you are upset at Braylon for what went down, that is your man and all that. I understand. I’d be the same way, but damn LeBron, certain things are to be left out of the nosy public’s attention. My goodness…even if Braylon was wrong, you don’t get on television and say it seems like dude is jealous of you and your friends. Aint nobody jealous of your friends? Them heads wouldn’t be where they are if it wasn’t for your money and your status, period. So let’s be clear…Braylon is not jealous of your friends. And, if he is jealous of you…say that. You didn’t though because you can’t say that he is. So why say anything at all? You are really becoming a suspect dude LeBron. You’re a good cat…you’re a great baller, but damn brotha…you starting to act like a straight bitch. Don’t be like that Bron…we love you and your game, and although I am pulling for the Lakers as I always do, I don’t want to hear anymore negativity about your actions. But, to save you from yourself brotha, to maintain what little credibility that you do have, I am gonna have to place you under arrest Negro. I’ll release you in enough time for you to sign with another team next year.

SUPERSTAR # 4 – DeShawn Stevenson

10/1/09

DeShawn Stevenson.

What the hell is wrong with this Negro? Huh? I am really doing my best not to cuss right now. DeShawn? WTF? What is wrong with you? Why the hell would you tattoo Abe Lincoln on your neck with the 5 from the 5 dollar bill? What the hell are you thinking about? Why? Is it because Lincoln freed the slaves? Lincoln aint free no damn slave (I apologize for the using the Hood vernacular). DeShawn? Brotha…you got too much money on your hands man. First Mike Tyson gets that crap on his face and now you get a White man tattooed on your neck? Is that to remind you of the many who wore that noose around their neck? You might as well have one on yourself Negroid.

I really don’t have anything against tattoos. I kinda want one. Now, scripture says that you shouldn’t mark your body with any markings…it also says not to get any piercing either, but I have my ears pierced, goes to show how good I am. But I pierced my ears at when I was 18 and 19. I cannot say that I would do it now. I really did it because it was impressed upon me that earrings were cool. I still think that they look good on me, but there are certain things that I did when I was younger that I would not do now. I like to think that this is one of those moments for Brotha DeShawn, because honestly, this was a waste of the $200 to $300 you spent. You could have gave it to me so that I can publish my book. You can spare the money obviously, but damn man, spend it wisely. I don’t care if it’s your money…it is your money but that was dumb to do. Sure, if is a person’s decision to smoke crack and it is their own life to make that choice…doesn’t mean that it is a smart decision to smoke crack.

Because of you, the perpetuated stereotype is maintained against us as Black men, both by White people, other people and ourselves. Now, I have to drive through the hood and see cats with tattoos on their necks…just like because Lil Wayne has that little earring clip under his lip, you got heads walking around looking like him. People, you are setting a bad example man; a bad example indeed. Why cant someone set a trend to get heads in the hood to wear suits or something, buy flowers for the women they love or cleaning up their neighborhood? For that, and for other reasons less obvious, DeShawn Stevenson, you are the next Superstar Negro Under Arrest. We’ll be sure to tattoo your cell number on you as well…name the location.

SUPERSTAR #3 – Plaxico Jeffrey Burress

9/27/09

I am not even placing you under arrest for violating the law and bringing a weapon into a public place in the state of New York…You’re already in jail for that – two years. I am not arresting you for shooting yourself in the leg, or for not taking an early plea deal that would have only landed him 6 months of jail time. No, I am adding more jail time to his sentence because this dude had the audacity to bring his family, particularly the kids, to the courthouse to watch him get carried away in handcuffs. Why? I would have simply said all of my goodbyes at the crib…I would have had my wife and father with me, that’s it. Mom and the kids can stay home and just wait for dad and the wife to come back home. Plax, you brought all of this on yourself, there is no need to draw sympathy or remorse form the fans or the penal system by parading your family up the courthouse.

I might seem harsh here and I want nothing but the best for Plax after his sentence has been carried out. I really do, but this man messed it. I said it once and I’ll say it again, these Black athletes have got to be so very careful with how they conduct their business and how they live their lives because they are in the public eye and a lot of folks are riding the train that is the professional athlete (specifically family). We only see that Eli Manning doesn’t have his main receiver. In actuality, a wife and family are without their father, husband and provider. It is actually really sad to see this; another Black home that has been fractured due to dumb decisions.

There has been much said about Plaxico’s sins, but his biggest is that his wife and baby’s are without him. But trust that he is paying the cost. He is without the comfort of his woman, he’ll miss the birth of his unborn son, and his miss birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas’. This is gonna be tough for Plax, not to mention that the prisons will make no attempt to give him any special privileges. When are athletes gonna realize that people have no sympathy for them. In an economy that is causing businesses to lose money, people to lose their jobs and homes, professional athletes are still making millions of dollars. That comes with a balance of good and bad. Let these experiences of Plax, Vick and Stallworth serve as a reminder that you must be more mindful of the company that you keep and the decisions that you make. God bless you Plax and God bless your family…let’s hope that you and other athletes don’t make anymore foolish decision.

Don’t drop the soap nicca.

SUPERSTAR #2 – Lamar Joseph Odom.

9/22/09

I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to arrest this superstar Negro, but I must. I really must. He was a key component to that championship run, but I gotta do it. Now, let me make this clear, I am no hater. I can say this without hesitation. What I am about to say next, I can say without hesitation because me and the wife have this discussion every time we see the show on television; those Kardashian girls are the pinnacle of the type of White woman a Black man wants to marry – they are beautiful, young, they have the spirits of a hustler (I’m not sure about their thirty year old, but who cares) and they like Black guys. Black women might be mad, but my goodness, if you’re a Black man and you wanna marry a White woman, those Kardashians are a good group to choose from, including the Kris. It is what it is. So I am not mad at Lamar for marrying one of them. Personally, Khloe isn’t the one I’d marry but that’s neither here nor there.

My problem with this marriage arrangement is that it is going down after 6 weeks. 6 Weeks Lamar? You couldn’t wait a year? Listen, I don’t care if it’s Beyonce, Pam Grier, Alicia Keys, Helen of Troy, Sanaa Lathan, Gabrielle Union, the Kardashian girls, it doesn’t really matter…I would never – people say never say never, well I’m saying never – I WOULD NEVER marry anyone after 6 weeks. I don’t care if her womanhood was the fountain of youth, I still wouldn’t do it. Why, because I don’t want her after 6 weeks. Yeah, I like her around, she’s cool to talk to, she look good, lovin is good, but marriage…in the words of Bobby Valentino, “slow down, I just wanna get to know you.” If this situation was a hip hop song, it wouldn’t be the one I just quoted, it would be, “C-c-call me so I can get it juicy fo ya.”

Folks, I’m not hating here…I am being real. This dude was with his old girl for years; two kids and one died of SIDS… years of history. He gets with Khloe and marriage? Uh uh. It just doesn’t make sense and as a forensic scientist of Superstar Negroes, I have investigated and I have some hypotheses as to why this man went ring shopping and purchased this woman a ring with Lakers money. Please, feel free to choose your response:

1. Lamar is in need of companionship and he really feels that can happen with Khloe Kardashian
2. The sex is stupendous
3. Khloe is pregnant
4. B & C

I am tempted to choose letter D, but letter B isn’t enough to make a man get married. So Ima go with letter C, final answer. Which still doesn’t make sense because he never married his baby mom so why marry Kardashian…which leads me back to letter B, but I am sticking with letter C. Why, because for a Black athlete, a White Woman is the crown jewel; the salt of the earth. Lamar isn’t the first and he won’t be the last. But there is a concern…Reggie Bush wouldn’t marry Kim. Why? Not because of conflicting schedules…there is more to that story. Either way, Bush, I think, exercised good judgment there, for a number of reasons. But Lamar has made his choice and he’ll have to live with it. Yet I am not sure that it is the right decision.

Lamar, brotha, listen to me. I’ve watched the shows. Khloe seems nice. She seems cools. There is an opportunity for a threesome or foursome, maybe…it’s tempting. I know you get surrounded and get all gitty, but brotha…don’t do it. I am married, so I can offer advice. Marriage is hard work brotha. It’s hard work when you’re broke but in my case, we take solace in the fact that we have each other and we haven’t made a mistake. But you’re rich. It seems like things may be easy, but in the words of the Notorious B.I.G., “Mo money, mo problems.” Your problems will be magnified and the work you two must put into this thing must be tremendous in order for things to work out. I am not certain of you or Khloe’s spiritual life, but you need Jesus in a marriage. So if you don’t have him, that’s strike one. You need a prenuptial agreement – no pre-nup, strike two. And you need to make sure brotha, and this one is important (not as important as Jesus, but it’s up there)….listen to me brotha…you must be ready to turn down any and all opportunities for celebrity and groupie sex…just say no. If you can’t, that’s strike three. Because this is true, if Khloe is pregnant and you cheat – divorce and alimony. If you cheat and she’s not pregnant – divorce and alimony…basically your ass will be grass…brown grass for your brown ass.

You need Jesus to help prevent the cheating and prevent being a poor husband…if you think you’re gonna cheat or take her for granted, get the pre-nup, you won’t regret it.

OH…the most important piece…

Can you trust this woman, Lamar?

After 6 weeks can you trust her? Are you sure she won’t screw you? Are you sure that while you’re on the road dropping 15-10-6, that she’ll be awaiting your phone call? Are you sure she won’t have skinny-ass Terence form 106 and park over the house? 6 weeks aint enough time Lamar…it’s not enough time…it’s not enough time to give away Lakers money. That contract you just signed might be the last big money contract you’ll ever see…if you mess up, you may never see it. While we have negro men like Obama to be used as a role model for our young, you sir are acting like an man over the age of 40, who lives at home with his mother… you just have money. If you didn’t, you’d be that guy and your woman’s name would be Tammy from Gloucester City – and nobody else would want you. The Black man marries a White woman when he’s at his highest and lowest point, in either case he does it because he thinks that he cannot do any better.

The similarity between you Lamar and that Black man with Tammy living at home, victims of poor decision making. To save you and your money, you are the next superstar Negro under arrest.

SUPERSTAR # 1 – Kanye West

9/14/09

What the hell were you thinking, going on stage while Taylor Swift was making her acceptance speech and steal her moment in the sun? Wow. This is a bold Negro right here. Seasonjawea and I actually missed this because we were watching the season finale of True Blood, which was great and thankfully Maryann is dead, but I digress. First, may I say that it took balls to go up on stage and interrupt that girl from talking. If the Democratic Party had balls like Kanye, we’d have universal health-care with a public option.

Now I don’t care for country music. Musically, my taste doesn’t range very far. But I respect artist and their ability to work their craft. But awards shows have always had the unique ability to mess up and choose the wrong winner for a category. The Billboards, MTV, the Grammys, they always get it wrong. How can Taylor Swift win for best female video and Beyonce win for video of the year? If Beyonce had the video of the year than she should have won best female video. This is the craziness that Kanye was actually trying to point out. I don’t know how MTV picks the winners or if they let the fans do it or whatever. It just didn’t make sense. So I feel Kanye’s frustration. I never heard Eminem’s song before and he won best rap video…T.I. won best male video, and he’s a rapper, so if he had the best male video, why didn’t he win best rap? I understand the frustration Kanye, which is why I really don’t get down with MTV. Unfortunately, all we have is MTV and BET and they’re owned by the same company—sad face.

But Kanye…K a n y e… Kanye? Absolutely horrible brotha. That was crazy man, what you did last night. After he said what he said, he looks at the crowd and shrugs his shoulders like, “what y’all think?” Everyone else think that you’re an idiot. Beyonce was looking at him like my goodness, what are you doing? And the ass kicker is that Single Ladies wasn’t a great video, let alone the best video of all time. The best video of all times, are you serious? All Beyonce was doing was shaking her ass, as she does in every video, and she does it quite well might I add. And poor Taylor, she looked at Kanye and couldn’t believe what was happening. She couldn’t even say anything after he finished. The crowd booed and she was super embarrassed. She looked like one of those embarrassed high school girls from off Dawson’s Creek or 90210 or something. It was sad really. I just couldn’t believe what had happened. So I give kudos to Beyonce for letting Taylor get her moment in the sun when she won her award. That was very classy and although I think Beyonce really didn’t have any other choice but to do what she did, she did it and she should receive the credit for it. I say that because for anyone else to have don e that, it wouldn’t have meant the same thing; kudos to Beyonce.

Kanye. You are a genius. I love your albums. When cats were mad at 808’s and heartbreak, I stuck with you. I said that you were ahead of your time. When you bitched at MTV for not giving you an award, I stuck with you. When you said George Bush didn’t like Black people, I applauded you. Diamonds are Forever is my favorite…Late Registration was a classic. But brotha, you were wrong for what you did last night. That little White girl would harm a soul and I know MTV does a horrible job at these award shows…stop bitching and boycott MTV, you’re rich enough…And boo to MTV for making Kanye leave…y’all know this Negro is tends to do things like this, yet you keep having him on your network. You should have know that Kanye was up to no good due to his track record on MTV, yet for ratings sake, you let the man keep talking. So don’t hate on Kanye now. You could have done something about it when it happened, but I digress. Kanye, I know that Dr. West taught you better than that. You’ve been steadily losing it since she died. I understand you’re in pain, but these outburst and tantrums are no longer healthy or productive. You friend are another reason for people to come down on Hip Hop and Rappers in general. Kanye West — You are the first Superstar Negro Under Arrest.